Lies. Sins. Satisfaction

2012-02-26T15:22:00.002+08:00

OLA~

I have decided.

Decided that i will start school in 2013 and take study loans even if it takes me a long time to pay them back.

I know i was hesitant as to whether i still/really wanna do psychology

Well honest truth be told, i still am not sure, but i am not going to waste my time contemplating what i wanna do.

Instead, i'mma just study the one thing that fueled me for these past few years and them maybe the answer to all this might surface from there.

Anyways, these pass few weeks have been intense!

From : working a little too much shifts till im dead tired,

To: forgetting to submit shifts so im basking my weekdays away.

HEHE.

Well, so much for getting another job i claimed to have been finding for; non of them fuggermothers replied me.

Like nothing, nada, zilch.

Not even a " oh we're sorry but that position has already been taken up" and all.

Oh wells, maybe that wasnt the job for me then.

and so.. the wait continues.

2012-02-20T21:39:00.002+08:00

i never knew it was this hard to find a job.

Not that i'm unemployed or something, P.Osh is still my workplace.

I just.. need change?

cant believe im saying that.

I need another job because i cant stand working at posh sometimes.

All the taken for granted and silent dramas and wars.

Besides, it's not like the pay is enough for me to survive without working extra shifts and facing hope.

I just thought, maybe if i got another job i can alternate days and still earn just as much, or even better, more!

But alas, everything has been a bitch.

I just need a new job but im so picky.

I hope and i pray i find something soon.

2012-02-03T15:24:00.002+08:00

dear blogger,

Suddenly i am wondering why i took psychology as a future career.

I mean, i'm looking at MINDS website now, and as much as i wanna send in my resume, i'm faced with the prospect of being a teacher to autistic kids.

I mean i have no problem cause i think i am able to play and interact with them.

But raising (my already loud voice that seems to get softer when im nervous) my voice to teach a class, with the possibility of another teacher observing me is terrifying.

Even the thought of it makes me shudder now. I know i know.. i should put these fears aside.

But then again, my intended course of career dosent see me talking to a class.

But hey, these are the things you need to do in order to rise right?

*shakey hands* okay here goes.

wont hurt if i send a resume.

Problem is, they have a contract, and if i cant even commit in a relationship, what more a job?

Maybe this will make me grow.

2012-01-31T13:11:00.001+08:00

I need a new place to stay, i cant stay at home anymore.

No, i cant stay at home when my mom's overly childish fucking mindset sister is here.

2012-01-18T15:08:00.002+08:00

AND IN THE MOURNING, I'LL RISE.

2012-01-17T14:03:00.003+08:00

So. How long can a heartbreak last?

Technically it takes a few months to get pass it right?

But what if you have itchy hands and what if you cant get past the missing?

It's not like i miss nick everyday of my pathetic life, i just miss him sometimes.

I am such a weird creature.

I need reassurance that i am not going insane.

Sometimes i dont understand me, it's like i deliberately ( despite knowing the risks) do stuff to shatter my heart.

So i just remembered that i didnt do a follow up on what happened after i sent nick that awfully long email.

Well, he did replied! and he said he was sorry and he didnt know what he was thinking and he said friends?

Well, to me it means that we are moving past this whole shizam to be strangers, cause come on; after bad break up and you become friends, what are you going to ask him? " oh, how's your girlfriend? um.. how's your mom and sister?" Seriously?

so yeah, i found out he's doing his OWN tattoo business with his brother and his brother's GF!

Like a round of applause please, i have never been so proud of him.

But this proud feeling, it can only stay within me, i cant be telling him that.

Cause the cycle went the cycle passed. We are mere strangers.

I hate this la.

2011-12-29T12:21:00.002+08:00

Dear blogger, sometimes all I want is for someone to be more concerned for me. Like sit me down, and ask me what's wrong. Why am I not planning for my future? Why am I not enthusiastic about my future anymore? What do I wanna be now? And do I drink and get wasted these past few months. Okay scratch the last part. I don't get wasted. I just get happy high. And I don't drink beer. I think any gassy drink is nonsensical. Just this 23rd, me deb and ducky finished an entire bottle of cognac cause her dad purposely throw the cork away and said nth goes back home cept the utensils ( yeah we were at a BBQ) so when ducky was dead gone, and the rest don't usually drink, the job was up to us. But I aint no drunkard :( so, back to the topic. Isn't my spiraling out of control a concern for anyone? Or is it cause no one genuinely cares? I think it's the lather cause no one's really bothered considering the mess we all are in now. Well, the sober me dosent give 2 flying fucks. Or maybe she does, you'll never know.

2011-12-20T21:14:00.000+08:00

Hi, im going to get a polynesian tattoo.

Dont worry, it's somewhere not visible and it's of a nice design.

Watch this space.

TEEHEE.

2011-12-17T14:15:00.000+08:00

This is to all the heartbreaks i ever had,

I'll drink to that.

2011-12-16T20:37:00.001+08:00

It's that time of the year again!

Christmas is coming!!

And it's that time of the year again, at P.Osh.

The non-stop dreadful yet fun in a way mega orders.

This time it wasnt from a company like last year's NTUC INCOME.

They were from Deal.Com and the orders aren't that massive.

The new box of 5's design takes up more work than the previous year too.

Bless my soul and bless my muscles, i took the morning (7fucking am0 shift to help out with the orders.

If it gets me paid i guess i have to do whatever it takes.

We're having a P.Osh BBQ this 23rd too!

Then maybe head over to neverland for some drinks cause that's the way we roll yo'

HAHA okay bye.

2011-12-11T13:38:00.002+08:00

OLA!

I AM GOING TO REMOVE MY BRAIDS AND CUT MY HAIR!

LIKE SHORT SHORT.

And i realize i always say i'd blog, but never.

Instead, i come back here whenever i have nothing else to do online

When i've checked my facebook, watched my series, youtube videos, read blogs..

then i come here like some loner to type.

Then let me tell you about the yogurt frenzy i've been going through.

Been caving for berrylite forever and a medium cup aint satisfying me nuff'

I even went to yami yogurt to buy a medium cup cause i was early for work and i didnt wanna see hope.

Fuck hope.

She can suck my..

Bitch.

Si mi Hope? this annoying wanna be in control but fails foreigner.

I'm being racist to a part of my own race. i dont give a fuck.

She messed with me, she get's the unleashed bitch within

i AM trying to make this work.

Maybe my life's such a drag i have nothing to blog about.

2011-11-24T14:44:00.002+08:00

You obviously don't understand the severity of a job. It's a commitment where I have to show up for work and be responsible when I say I can. Simply saying " don't go to work la" on the day of my shift shows how self centered you are. Yeah I get the whole deal of fetching people at the airport but they landed at 11 ish and you just had to show them the area they are staying at. I already told you I wanna go for an interview and I need to do things before going to work. Fuck you. Not only have I not gotten enough sleep, I'm probably going to be late for work, and I can't go for the interview. Who's pay getting cut? Mine. Who has to go through your tantrums when I ask for extra cash cause I'm always late? Me. So fucked up. I'm always bearing all the "take care of the shop, I don't care" shit cause your two other children can't help you. One can't be bothered and the other is always busy. And then you wonder why I'm always trying to come home late, or not at all if I can. This will forever go on. My O levels I had to skip studying cause you want someone to help you. My diploma exams, I had to take care of the shop because you wanna go orchard to get your orders. My work, always being late cause you wanna impress people and do things to make them think you're all that when you should just wake up and smell the dirt on the ground. They say the apple dosent fall far from the tree. Look where your son is now. And I'll be damned if I grew up to be like you. Don't get me wrong. I still love you, but I'm just so tired of all this.

2011-11-22T16:43:00.002+08:00

i couldnt sleep last night. Infact I couldn't sleep for the past few days. Insomnia they call it, but I think the reason remains burried. I so badly wanna talk to nick. There was a reason why our relationship didn't work out, but somehow amongst the people I keep relationships (more like lost) he seems to be the only one I am almost completely honest with. We used to have an honesty hour session in the wee hours of the morning where we'd tell about our past/family and stuff. I didn't have to be a different person when I told him my mom owns a shop. I didn't have to lie when I told him I moved to a shophouse to be nearer to my mom to help her. He understood! He never judged me and I never judged him. But somewhere along the way I guess the sparks didn't fly. I guess we weren't meant to be together, but maybe just for the experience cause never in my book would I have dated someone like him. Dated. I don't know if it was that, or were we mainly more than friends, but less than a realtionship. Anyway back to the story. So I couldn't sleep last night and I composed this long text I intend to send to him. But I knew I'd never. Then I woke up this morning feeling like I should just take the chance. I mean, it's not like I'm ever gonna see him again. And I don't have much mutual friends. Like 3? Chances of embarrassment has downsized by a whole load of folds. I live life once. I should take risks. I always took risks and look where I am right now! Okay in MY perspective I think I'm in a pretty good situation. A* for grad project and Bs and Cs respectively in terms of enthusiasm. So why not right? But I'm just scared :( what if he actually replies and ask me to fuck off or something. Urgh.

2011-11-19T18:53:00.001+08:00

I wanted him to have a reason for me to stay.

2011-11-03T12:41:00.002+08:00

Dear blogger,

Today i'm going to do my braids, yet again.

This time my sister did them before me and she got the small ones.

The previous humongous ones i did were medium, believe it.

I wonder how large looks like, urgh.

So i decided that i'll just take my chances and like always, my nerves are on high drive.

I keep feeling that dread i get when i do my hair cause if it dosent look good, not only did the money go to waste, but the impact it has on my hair, facing the typical singaporeans.

So digress, i am going to do it, this time i'll be equipped with my beanie and ties and all, hehehehe

Wish me luck!

2011-10-31T01:15:00.002+08:00

Dear blogger,

So tomorrow marks the dawn of a new era.. hahaha okay no just joking.

Tomorrow marks the week that i'm going to go get braided once more.

This time i clarified the term braid, i said celia want them micro man, yous do big fugly ones.

And she says hell yeah chica i hear ya.

okay you know it didnt go down like that. But i dont know, i mean i kept my hair long enough for this, and outgrew my bangs and all. But along the twisted hair, messy days and out of control frizz, i kinda liked my hair being wild and soft, But i wanna get braided too, at the same time.

Maybe it's those feelings i got when i first discovered i look mega weird with my humongous braids, and when my heart started beating cause i didnt want nobody to look at me. Yes yes, i have an uhealthy all time low level of self confidence, but a year has passed. Think i'm any better?

My sister and me gonna be doing them braids, and i'll see if small's really small, if not i'll just gt micro braids. Yeah yeah you probably be wondering what the shumakakas im talking about. Sleep on it, you'll get it tomorrow.

And omg, yeah this friday i'm going to enjoy myself with my chicas cause we deserved it.

So happy, but i pray to god, for all the times i did something to my hair, i prayed to god to make it work. Because its on my head and everyone can see it. I get very paranoid if it gets bad and i dont like it when people like criticize it. Yes im working on keeping a positive mindset.

Just one step at a time. There's no need to rush

2011-10-29T01:43:00.005+08:00

I dont like him, so why do i care?

Moving on. Bitch please.

I make changes to my body for every great step/loss in my life

Lets see...

Secondary 4 - tongue piercing to "reward" myself for passing my N's

Secondary 5 - Got braids to "reward" myself for passing my O's

2009 - Braids off, dramatic short bob, then extensions, all within a period of 5 months to move on from a loss.

2010 - Bangs because i deserved better

2010 - Hair colour experiments and settling for the textbook definition of a red head

2011 - The piercing of the tongue yet again for losing nick, "moving on to a brand new start mentality"

2011 - Braids back again ( yet-to-be-done) this has no significant meaning

And oh, painting nails help me destress.

it's my way of therapy because my mind is so intense and magnified into creating the best brush stroke or pattern, i have little space to stray off.

Though i may paint it the same colour yet again, the thought of painting my nails usually calms me down already.

like when i feel like curling up in a ball and crying because i often get this pangs, like hunger pangs but they be my lonely pangs.

I aint in sembawang no more where i can leave the house at 2am in the morning and still be safe

I aint in sembawang no more where i used to sit on the stairs just to watch life by.

I aint in sembawang no more where my house had this cold, yet warm feeling.

I aint in sembawang no more where i could disappear for hours on end with just my rollerblades, feeling freedom withing my hair.

I have moved on to help people, i have moved on to help my mom.

But what happens when all this constant changes make me dread change?

Because things are never what it seem and i know one day i'd probably not be the way i am now.

I hate change because of the way it makes me feel.

I hate change when i get used to something that it becomes part of my everyday life,

I hate change when i know when i wake up there'll be no facebook notification from nickly saying goodmorning to his baby and that he's reached work safely cause he knows i dread for him to ride his scrambler.

I hate change when one day i wake up and realise he will never text/call/facebook me anymore, or hear his voice when he calls me to say he misses me.

I hate change when i meet someone im not remotely interested in, but had his help in getting over nick.

I hate change when he gets serious dating someone and dosent text me to ask what the kukushit i'm doing. and makes me laugh.

I hate change because i tend to get selfish sometimes.

I hate change because it always leaves me feeling this black emptiness i cannot describe, makes me breathless.

I hate change and i hope people would understand that.

Everyone is wired differently, what's your excuse?

2011-10-26T15:00:00.002+08:00

dear blogger,
i dont know if i ever told you this but me and debra sat down one day after many fustrating attempts to enlighten my boss about work, we gave suggestions and more ideas for an increase in revenue, because we care about their business, but we got everything thrown back into our sorry faces. i suggested they sart doing cupcakes, and since their speciality is in brownies (urgh) why not make brownie cupcakes, and customse on em'. sounds like a good deal, only o have paul delete the post on FB. So yeah, making cupcakes does not violate their terms and conditions that i signed cause me and deb are slowly gonna plan what we are going to do, set up websites and all, and after a year of quitting posh, we will launch our own line of cupcakes. Ranging rom gluten free, to whole wheat and sweet tooths. We will make cuppycakes of different flavours, different colours different techniques. Everything posh wasnt. We wont have sloppish rules or agreements by mouth, Black and white papers. solid rules and respect and understanding to each other. es, i know business is risky cause i know shit, but incase you havent noticed, my circle of friends are well capable of it. Ducky's an events manager, Deb's got the contacts fr investors and business partners, i've got my sister to help with the cupcakes, we've got amanda who bakes. Hell, we've got the world and we arent afraid to break this little bitch.
If all goes well, we might even have a fucking shop, or better still, fucking outlets! starting off small first online, and if it booms, it'll be all over your face.
Debra's daddy told us to stick with a classy name so for now, it'll be CupCake.Inc.

Till then, xoxo

2011-10-25T00:54:00.003+08:00

dear blogger, i was ecstatic in the afternoon because i got a distinction on my graduation project. i got fucking A. 85 over a 100. But something was missing, the person i'd text for the past few months over every single joy and mishap was missing. I didnt love him, like love love, i just like talking to him and maybe i fell in love with the friendship

God this is soo hard, urgh.

so these few months we talked, sometimes really sweet to each other and sometimes we talk sarcastically to each other. but never once did he mention that he was dating someone else

Yes, say it; here we go again.

the same fucking pain, the same feelings.

i dont know why i feel this way, it's like i lost a friend, worse, someone i love.

So we were all fine till recently for the past few days my missing in action person didnt lavish the attention he did to me. The usual questions i normally find annoying wasnt so annoying afterall.

i waited for him to ask how was my day, or say somthing stupid to make me laugh; he makes me laugh alot though they are of lame reasons.

i kept asking and annoying him but he was always just so busy.

then the same gut feeling came about (refer to previous few post - the hyped up awareness)

fuck that feeling, i knew something was up and i didnt wanna lose my friend just yet

They say that women are capable of finding out the whole truth by just giving hem a lead.

I figured out the whole story without even asking a question, but i just wanted to be selfish. i didnt want you to have a girlfriend or date because the cold hard truth was that your friendship helped me get over my latest heartbreak, and i waned you to be there till it fully healed.

Not much people would understand what im going through, you knew how it felt like to work in a convenience store. you fucking knew.

I'll tell you about my classmates and you always listened, sometimes calling me late at night just cause you cant sleep, or waking me up in the morning because you wanna hear my blur baby voice. And now you tell me it's been going on for quite sometime.

you were my fucking friend, couldnt you tell me something?

i thought we were cool the way we were, and i was always texting you.

You asked if we could still go eat naan because you still loved me as a friend and i make you laugh at the silliest things. dont you see, things cant be the way it was before because if i go out with you, i'll be the relationship wrecker.

so kudos, here's to people always withholding the truth from me because they feel no need to tell me, here's to the people who broke my heart even though we were only friends because telling the truth might kill you. and here's to the people who break my heart, and then say things are not changing, and try to carry on with life.

i dont understand why you couldnt tell me you were going to your date's house or watch a movie with your date/gf when all you said was a friend. Why lie to me when i have been completely honest with you?

Now im the bitch in your relationship, and i was always be the bitch because no one likes sharing.

2011-10-23T12:52:00.002+08:00

so, lately i've been broke.

Okay maybe not lately, but for these few months.

I try to work as much shifts as i can at work, but at the end of the day it is never enough.

Oh, tomorrow's my last day of school. like officially cause im going to be doing my graduation project presentation!

i think my slides are smashing, but as usual, i cant find shit to wear and im half heartedly hoping my dress would arrive by tmr morning because i've to go find clothes to wear! Mr amir's judging us on dressing too, him being him =(

mehh, i'm gonna get a new toy tonight, or soon hopefully! getting a new cam, after 3279493256 years of wanting one, i'm finally getting one. At least i can get more better pictures at work now. and take pictures of everything i see.

i want alot of memories to bring me forward and to lighten up my dark gloomy days.

And speaking of dark gloomy days, this week was crappy.

Like sheriously crappy down in the dumps cause my estrogen levels are at an all time low. =(

also V hasnt been talking to me much this week cause we're all busy.

V's like my cheer up partner cause he maes me laugh! though sometimes over lame things, he makes me laugh, period.

HEHE, so yeah, my laugh juice aint working much. but it's sunday and im hoping for the best for next week.

Kick starting off my week with a smashing presentation and hopefully a good week to follow.

Going for a holiday soon too, to batam for a massage soon!

hehehe and good food.

blessed be the soul who makes the week be good.

blessed be the one who makes me feel better too.

2011-10-21T18:40:00.003+08:00

I'm two days away from graduating from MDIS.

I'm two days away from completing my diploma in psychology.

I don't know how to feel, happy, or a little scared.

Where do i go after this? Am i well prepared to continue?

Do i have what it takes to continue with the Degree?

DO I EVEN HAVE THE MONEY TO GET A DEGREE?

urgh, studying and making decisions isn't supposed to be this hard.

Well, i think maybe if i was rich then it would definitely not be a problem.

I still wanna learn and i still wanna build myself. but where do i start?

I'm still contemplating studying what i really wanna do, nutrition

Alot of people i tell this to just scoff and say why?

why because i already got a diploma why would i want another one?

I SAY WHY NOT?

why must i limit what i wanna do to one thing?

teehee, but i honestly dont know what to do either,

someone please enlighten me.

....

on a longer note, work at posh is changing so much.

Rules, benefits, bitching and annoying colleagues.

okay the colleagues; i cant help it.

I dont like it when people ask random personal questions just cause we seem close.

if i wanna spill, i'll spill.

And also about changing yourself to fit in, why?

just because the ones you normally work with is more outgoing, loud and noisy, it dosent mean that you have to try to be funny.

Yes, TRY.

Cause really, your straining efforts are showing a tad too much.

I wanna work at posh where my bosses weren't too stressed about the revenue

the times when we were free and not restrained by stupid rules ( like: not being able to hang out at the shop anymore when you're not on shift)

i mean, those were the simple joys that kept me sane at work

thank god i still have my colleagues who come once in a while.

i contemplated quitting posh, but i had no guts nor the heart to leave something i really love behind - Brings me to the next point

Getting a second job

i thought maybe i could do with the extra moolah.

But knowing me and my pick state, i have no clue as to what to do =(

if anyone believes me, i almost wanted to quit posh in my first 3 days too,

yeah im that bad

Oh wells, i'mma end this lengthy post and blog another time on more updates

2011-10-04T10:59:00.002+08:00

Someone please enlighten me. I never knew that the youngest in the family has to bear all the buirden of other member's tantrums? Why am I always getting blamed for something I am not responsible for? The cat trips over his water bowl, it's my fault cause it's there when you're fucking two steps away from it. When you have a last minute appointment, I'm supposed to just stay at the shop and watch my pay get cut for the umpteenth time cause it's MY fault your son can't be bothered to give you any time of the day. Then you throw tantrums to me like a fucking 5 year old. I'm tired of playing the grownup, it's time YOU grew up.

2011-08-15T00:21:00.002+08:00

okay.
So i know i have been missing on MY own page for a while now.. i practically have zero readers. nada. zlich.
But it's okay. I think im cool as i am. (whuuutt?!)
LOL so, the exams are here again
/i know right? i always blog when the exams are here and i say the same fucking line everytime. GAA.
i totally lost my blogging mojo.
So go ahead, sue me now.

2011-07-31T01:42:00.002+08:00

have you ever had that feeling that somehing was about to happen,
and as much as you hate and try to deny that feeling, the steps you do to stop it from happening, it does in the end?
i have always known things i wished i never knew
When i feel that you dont love me anymore, when i feel that you're backstabbing me, when i feel that you like me.
Those feelings, are our guts really that reliable?
i had a feeling, and yeah, as much as i stayed away from the truth, it was true.
How i know, why i know, what i know.. these always haunt me.
Why the fuck does my self awareness of my surroundings have to be so hyped up?
Why cant i be wrong for once?
okay, i've lived with the fact that you're gone.
that you never mean anything to me.
But sometimes, it still hurts.
And it fucking hurts so much right now.

2011-07-27T23:30:00.001+08:00

MY SECOND TERM HAS STARTED~
SO HAPPY!
GONNA END SCHOOL SOOOOOOOON
DECIDING ON MY GRAD PROJECT NOW.

2011-07-11T11:51:00.002+08:00

Dear blogger, I've finally found what I've been suffering with as a child. Here goes: PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) okay what is PTSD? Its when someone has been exposed to a traumatic event in which the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with a threat-physically or mentally. The person's response involves intense fear and helplessness, they may have dificulty falling or staying asleep, difficulty concentrating and sudden outbursts of anger. They become less responsive emotionally, and are more detached from their feelings. There, I've finally diagnosed myself, though the interventions are way over the time they should be instilled upon, at least I know why I behave that way. At least I know.

2011-07-04T18:25:00.002+08:00

I need friends to fucking tell me that it's alright. I need friends to fucking be there for me when I feel down cause I know I've tried and have been there for these people. So why can't they just help me for once? I know I'm blaming them for the plight I caused myself to be in. This is what I hate, that hollow emptyness that remind you that you're merely someone with no soul. Cause I have no freaking idea where mine went. I feel so dead. So dead.

2011-06-26T12:53:00.000+08:00

Tiredcelia.com

2011-05-27T20:33:00.002+08:00

Dear blogger,
I just feel so out of place right now.

And i have nothing left to say because i am so tired from pretending that everything's all sunshiny and perfect.

2011-05-24T12:43:00.004+08:00

Yeah yeah, i know i should be studying right now.
I just woke up and i really needa calm down and relax before starting the gruelling duel and the staring showdown between me and them notes.
And trust me, i have no more to give cause i gave it all during business.
And i will cut my hair if i dont get an A cause i know i did well when i didnt have to plan down what im going to write for the 3 essays. Cause hell yeah motherfucker i studied business like there aint gonna be no peanut butter no more cause i wanted to prove to myself that i can do it, and i did it!
But see, the problem then came from marketing. Cause marketing is all about customer-manager relationships and weird definitions and marketing stuff that no matter how much i try, i couldnt. i just couldnt give it my all. and i totally am sure i am going to either fail, or by god's grace get a borderline pass cause i couldnt even attempt the first question. The essays that i could do, weren't the ones i memorised, they were like in a TOTALLY different league..
Then came PSSR (psych of social science and research) now i couldnt study for that cause i had alot of um, distrctions and i didnt feel good anymore. =( to make it worse, my friend got barred from the exam and i got so worried and scared for her cause i want her to move on and go with me if we pass, to semester 2. =( she motivated me and cause she took business before, explained terms i never heard of before, she was like my mentor and i wasnt going no where without her.
My school life's complicated cause of the nature of my class and the secrets we three keep.
Yeah, we dont divulge in our personal matters and only do about school, but that's what im talking about.
No i aint pointing fingers here, im just saying.
Some times comprimises have to be made, it can never always be about you, and it can never always be perfect
Sometimes we have to change who we are to fit into each's cracks.
It just fustrates me cause i thought i would finally get friends i know will be there.
I've been sitting here watching friends come and go, all with the "forever and ever" motto.
Maybe its just me, they say change is good for the better, but i aint going no where if you're changing for the worst.
=( i just wanna be normal, have normal friends that meet me once in a while to eat or to watch a movie, and be able to talk normal things with without the awkward silence.
Sometimes, blogger, this makes me cry.

2011-05-09T13:52:00.002+08:00

So, What's up with the promises but the failure to deliver?
What are we again?
Just as i thought, the line has been blurred beyound recognition once again.
Maybe i'll stop blogging in the meantime, because i'm piled up to netherlands with my studying. Yes, the dreaded exams are here, and i am motherfucking freaking my fucking ass off because of it. I did fall sick, and it's been dragging for two weeks already. And i am just sooooo tired right now, i wanna sleep in for the whole day.
The scorching weather's not making any thing pleasant either.

Who ever said "good morning" must've been a real joker.

2011-05-07T23:34:00.002+08:00

Yes, even though I hate my brother to death, when he falls sick and when no one wanna take care of him, someone has to step in. Momma didn't wanna give a flying fuck because of the way he's been shouting at her and all. I mean come on, still your mother right, you should see the array of vulgarities he display on her. Maybe this is just his karma, for verbally and mentally hurting her. But he's sick cause his back hurts so bad and he's mumbling things I can't understand. Sister massaged his back and we lighted a candle in his room because it's not "clean" in this house. Whatever your point of view I give no flying fucks. I don't believe in this shit either but there are certain things I cannot explain. Sooo, back to the story, we're cooking porridge for him least he gets hungry at night and drowning him in plenty of water cause he says he's cold. Whatever. Celia's celia. She can't stay mad, or wait for someone to die/ suffer there. No matter how much I hate someone, there is an extent that I have to help right? And here I am, trying not to be too accomodating cause I hurt myself in the end, always.

2011-05-06T20:45:00.002+08:00

Ola bueno amigos!

Here is an example of business people giving definitions to "sum" us up and sterotype, but trying to be disreet.
" when confronted with a decision, human's thinking...."
I mean come on, they know saying YOU'RE thinking would provoke some of us.
Saying OUR thinking would automatically pull them in with our "class"
so go neutral!
HUMANS!
okay back to the point, i'm googling my focus points for my exams in a desperate attempt because it's not in my book (yes, my ever efficient thick book)
It's actually from my teacher's self made slides which he PROMISED to upload into our blackboards so we can study, but efficently forgot.
=( so all i've got are chim definitions, with no examples or simpler put words.
Hellllooooooooo chim-ness
maybe i'll just throw in a couple of my awesome engrish and crap alot.
OH, on the other hand, my allergies are almost gone thanks to the weird medicine.
It made me sleep for almost 24 hours, everyday.
And that left like nano seconds to study before going down in a sleepy slumber to help my momma.
At this rate, i could be a sleep-a-zoid.
a sleep-o-saurus
yeah, you get the point.

My heart's breaking, but it aint breaking for yooooou-oohoohhh.

2011-05-05T20:48:00.002+08:00

Dear blogger, I'm so freaking pissed cause my teacher, my ever so annoying teacher who gave me the focus points wasn't very clear. He told us to study things that are not in the book. He said he'll upload into the blackboard but its already thursday and nope, nothing's there. I feel like cursing him to hell and display my fluent use of vulgarities, but I know that will be of no use. I know for sure, I'm going to fail this; and repeat my whole fucking 4 months again. Yeah, maybe its my fault for having him as my teacher :(

2011-05-03T15:14:00.002+08:00

Dear blogger, I'm sorry for all the neligence. I've been so busy with studying cause I aint required to go to school no more. They gave me a two week study break to study and I'm seriously freaking out cause you know how I am unsupervised :( I tried to study, but I came down with some allergic shit that's making me itch like mad and I'm lobster red and swelling! I thought it'll go away so I waited for a while but it only seems like it's gonna kill me now. Heh. Still alive, worry nots. I'm blogging this at the poly clinic cause the wait is sooooo friggin long and the indian lady with her kid beside me is madly annoying -.- I'm super scared of doctors and I don't usually visit them alone I just pray that they don't do any blood tests. I swear I'll pee there and then.

2011-04-30T12:48:00.003+08:00

It takes two hands to clap.
And i dont wanna be the only one trying.
Why the facade?

2011-04-28T19:44:00.002+08:00

My body clock's officially screwed up! ='(
i've been sleeping at weird hours of the day because of my overdued assignments and mega orders at work. Like just yesterday, i slept at 3 am plus in the morning because my project was due and alot of stuff had to be edited. Yes, i've carved out an editorial career for me. All those broken english and msn english. the weird positioning of words and the re-phrasal. It's kinda like an OCD thing for me. Okay i have TWO OCDs. - Messy workplace at work is a big nono, no matter how busy, i will and have to clean my tray and sweep the floor because work is like my second home and i hate it when it's all dirty and shit. Even the aprons! they smell after a while with all the chocolate stains and i'll wash em. Second - Engrish. It needs to be comprehendable because i honestly cannot stand and will have to correct it. Like this: A major of people find living in singapore very stress and headache. /sepak your otak. <- My new line. HEHE I'LL SEPAK YOUR OTAK! Where were you in primary school when they thought you these. Okay digress.
So i slept at 3 plus right, and my class started at 8.30 am for that day cause i have two lectures. and i needed to leave my house by 7.15 to take the bus to school. =( sad life. And i had business psyc in the afternoon too. I was practically stoning the entire way. SO i got home, helped moma at the shop and went home to sleep. and i woke up at 6.30 again this morning cause my boss texted me at 3am to ask for help. Yes, we posh-ians sleep at weird hours. Reached work at 8.30! had to do 270 brownies with toppings for some event. Ended up talking to the chocolate and my brownies cause that's how i roll niggas. And i purposely wore shorts and slippers to slide around the kitchen cause i know know chopchop know josh will ask me to stay behind. NYAHAH! sorry, not in proper attire for work. /Evil grin.
Anyways, the weather's a bitch these days, but i love the morning sun shining down on me. SHH, Dont tell it to em sun haters, they dont know what healthy vitamin D is.

2011-04-24T17:52:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow marks my last week before i go solo for two weeks to study!

Then comes the exams, the dreaded exams.

I hope i pass.

/in fact, i better!

Cause if i were to fail even ONE module, i'll have to re-module and take that for 4 months AGAIN!

and i'm friggin' nervous and scared cause these are my modules:

Applied Business Psyc
Marketing psyc
Psyc for the individual
Social research

First two's by a narcissistic lecturer who goes on about his endeavor in his younger days cause he's apparently some awesome business man, linking with nokia and opened some cc or something.

/relevance to me or the stuff he teaches? almost zero.

Cause he skips vital stuff (like 3 pages at a time) when he talks about, "during my time....."

If that story summarizes what he teaches then by all means, bring on the popcorn!!

And he NEVER uses the slides or materials in my book!

He says he'll upload them for us to refer to, cause he dosent give celia time to copy down!

/i know i can be some serial photocopying machine if they decide to hire right, but really, i need speed!

Haiz, and i'm just freaking out

2011-04-18T01:56:00.002+08:00

They dont know what we've been through.

They dont know about me and you.

I need more productive team mates that do not try to defend themselfves when in the wrong and stop thinking that everything's about her/them.

please, if you want drama join the art school.

2011-04-17T00:54:00.001+08:00

Just Kill Me. /Suicidal

Seriously.

2011-04-03T15:32:00.003+08:00

Enough with the drama.

Sometimes, you annoy me with your drama.

The world dosent evolve around you.

No one wants to know your "just saying" statements that show your superiority

2011-03-27T21:08:00.002+08:00

" She Flies With Her Own Wings"

She dictates her life, unrestricted and free.

2011-03-27T16:21:00.003+08:00

So my mom plans to runaway again.

This time its not a house we're shifting.

It's a wholenewmotherfuckingcountry!

I.. dont know what to say.

I've not told my bestfriend yet because,

One's decided to drop me out of her life, i dont know what i did, or say. But she just suddenly decided to stop replying my texts and whatsapps. Soo, i'mma respect her. Cause i really know it isnt my fault. I stayed with my end of the deal. Maybe she thinks she can get better friends. I dont know. I just hope she's fine and doing good. With or without me

I have no guts. And besides, since they dont talk to me and need me like bfore, i figured it wouldnt be much of a loss. I mean, arent you all glad to get rid of a clingy friend? or whatever they see me as. The "must show affection or she will claim you're ignoring her" friend.

I dont intend to follow my mom on her runaway escapades. Its time we sop this shit and stop being afarid. Sorry mom, But i'm not gonna be living in the shadows of your fear no more. I've grown, and maybe you should too.

Its just that, I AM willing to go. But the whole prospect of not knowing ANYONE there kills me. Yeah sure, i dont have many friends here to begin with, but at least i have a few i know i can buzz up to talk to when i feel uncomfortable. I know what if i were to leave my house in tears and rage, i would always end up at work, laughing with my friends there. Cause thats just how they are, we look out for each other because we have that bond. My bosses? yeah they can be a motherfucking pissoff at times, but hey, isnt everyone like that at some point? They make me laugh too, with their child like minds, and paul's laughter and josh's lame ramblings. If i go away, to some foreign land, who will i be able to turn to? To ring when i need that boost when i feel down? I know globalization'sabout, i can still skype and see them virtually, but honestly. Everyone hates virtual hugs and assurance. We need the real thing.

If it really goes the way it seems like its going now, i'd probably be leaving in january, after i get my results.Though i end school in October, I'm not going to be flying back here in Jan just for the results. I'm going to be working at p.osh EVERYDAY if i have to.

2011-03-22T19:18:00.002+08:00

Okay i need'a post a second post 'cause i need the distraction.

I've been typing shit for my essay and I've come to a point ( 373 words only) where I've stopped cause my crappings cannot be lengthened no more.

And fuck APA guidelines la.

You want an essay research from me? Why not let me do it my way?

What's with the " Headings and subheadings are used to help organize the paper into coherent sections that guide the reader from topic to topic. The heading style you use is dependent upon the number of headings you will b using in your paper."(APA Guidelines, sample paper)

SEE!! it's getting embedded into me. all the citations and references.

Not that its a bad thing, but it's being a bit annoying! and there's so many things ive to adhere to, it's like checking websites and shit and then typing a word, and so goes for the ENTIRE essay.

a n n o y i n g~

i wished my besties were in this with me.

they're busy. and i dont wanna disturb them

one's not replying my text.

oh wells, i tend to assume too.

2011-03-22T17:34:00.003+08:00

Dear blogger,

You'll know something is wrong when you cant hold a 5 mintue conversation with someone who you used to talk hours with.

You'll know something is wrong when you dont know what you wanna say, but in your head, everything's all scripted out.

You'll know something's wrong.

Yeah, you wouldnt anyways.

Sometimes, answers arent everything.

2011-03-18T22:34:00.001+08:00

ANGRYCELIA.COM
yes, i'm kinda mad.
kinda's an understatement.
I'm VERY angry.

2011-03-16T00:06:00.003+08:00

I depend on music like addicts on heroine.

Here's a colourfulpost you wished you've chancced upon sooner.

HELLO~

I've been sooo dependant on my music to take elements i do not favour into happy thoughts lately. A bit TOO dependant.

i can recite my 400+ (still haven regain my 800+ songs back. lifesucks.com) backwards if you want me to.

Impossible you say?

Consider this, i play it mostly at work, that's 6-11 hours of music, depending on the shift.

I play it when i go poopoo or shower, cause when no one's home i sing in the shower.

I play it when i travel, especially when travelling far.

To school, and back.

I just want more songs, but sadly i do not have the time to go download them.

-Sighs- I just need my therapy, my escape when i dont like what's happening.

i learnt how to make my day happier, becuase i cannot afford anymore "black" feelings i get.

the nightmares constitutes a great part of my life now because one of my modules touch greatly on that.

The subject's the ONLY modue i love - oh the irony..

i get uncomfortable at the mention of certain topics and studying certain areas make me shifty.

you get what i mean now?

I HAVE to get over this.. this thing i've been living with, if i wanna help people.

in order to treat others, i have to be able to treat MYself first

I am making progress, if credits are due.

I am able to calm my subconscious so that it will stop keeping me awake.

I've learnt to change the question marks my subconscious throw at me into exclaimation marks.

I've learnt how to make a bad day go right the moment i wake up.

But what good are these skills, if i dont want to grasp the faults i numb myself from, building an "abscess" around it. Just waiting for something/someone to scrape and clean it off for me.

I've become so paranoid and void of emotions of my own problems, i dont know if i still can feel.

my mind has wiped the memories, but they still linger.

waiting for me to acknowledge the fact.

But i will never. stubborncelia.com

I will not risk travelling back into my childhood, into my memories to retrieve what was left of me, because i fear what every psychologist fear.

Going back in to realize, but getting so traumatised, you cannot come back out to the present.

and if that happens, i might surely just lose it.

2011-03-15T00:36:00.002+08:00

I will edit you tomorrow.

Just got back from morning classes and work joined together.
/yes, scream tired please.
But it's okay. other people mighta have it rougher than me.
So i went to the national library after moring class, before work today.
went to find stupid books that i can use because the internet was not helping, AT ALL.
managed to make up my mind about the topic i wanna choose for my essay writing.
*drumrollplease*
I'm gonna do ethics!
/yeah, you can stare now.
ethics is sooo dry, soooo boring. yaddackyyacks.
well fuck you! i had no choice.
i just had ONE more case study and its safe to say i have at least 50% of the material i needed to work with.
/need i remind you, time is throwing a bitch fit complete with spasms at me. i have to submit three 1200-1500 word essays on three seperate moduls, make a video experiment on pavlov's theroy and survey people for a part of my project ALL by the 31st.
okay back -
technically i have found th 3rd case study i've to do.
Its just that the case study is under violating medical ethics.
nazis had nothing to do with violating psychological ethics.
I'm just gonna find out more, maybe *prays* the people experimented on had psychological problems or phobias.
If not, its back to the books for me.
/bleargh.

Cbox last warning uh - you get spammed by viruses again i gonna neglect you even more. i'm tired of deleting the nonsensical " hi! nice blog, blogwalking, awesome post" taggys. cheebye,find someone else to disturb!

2011-03-11T00:23:00.002+08:00

Did some tests to generate what types we were.
Ever heard of DISC? Yeeaahh. That test we did in secondary school! Only this one was more indept.
More on the character aspects than when we were in school were we focused on the learning aspects. Soo. One of the results was asked, and only me and 3 others got it.
Lecturer: so all those with your hands up, you're the eldest in the family right? Seee!
Me: uhhh *blur celia face* but but, I'm the youngest.
*lecturer walks closer to me, "what's wrong with your eldest sister?
Me: *shit! Awkward moment. "I don't stay with her"
Lecturer: then what's wrong with your other sister( I told him the sequence of my siblings)
Me: she's always busy at work, hardly see her either
Lecturer: brother one year apart? *answers his own question* confirm cannot get along.
Me: ... Yeaah.
Lecturer: see! You're the decision maker in the family. Your parents or anyone relatives always make you think for the family because they expect you to act like one. Since your older siblings can't play their role, you're forced to be the oldest thinking within your siblings.
Me: fucking hell yeah you're right.

Sometimes, my own subjects scare me. Its almost as though I cannot keep secrets.

2011-03-05T10:24:00.003+08:00

My mother can be the most unreasonable person anyone can ever meet. She asked me to stop work, to focus on my studies. What about my expenses? She said she'll pay. And just cause I can't find a replacement for work ( which she said soo last minute) she's severing all financial ties with me. And she said that I've to pay for my transport or food and my bill or whatever on my own. Firstlny how to study like that? And secondly, its nt my fault vanessa's flight's so last minute. I wouldn't want to fucking send her off anyways. My mom has a son, why can't she ask him? I feel like I'm being bullied constantly. With all this "study! But take care of the shop and work to cover your own expenses, but study!" What the fuck am I? The next wonderwoman?

2011-03-02T23:41:00.003+08:00

Dear blogger, I feel so alone.
I don't know what constitutes to this, I know I've got people around me, everywhere.
It's just that, the ones I need are never there.
Never.
I need them, blogger. I need the people I think I matter to.

2011-02-26T19:40:00.002+08:00

I'm trying to study, but I don't know where to start :( I went to borrow books too, to read and pass time. Then I remembered, I don't have time.
Oh kuku me.
And I reeeeallyyy really needa see the doctor. Polyclinic's closed on sundays, and I start school at 12 on monday! How?! I can't take this any longer.
I wanna be dependant on meds. I need to be normal again.

2011-02-26T01:51:00.003+08:00

Dear blogger, today's lesson in school was really fun. The only subjects ( or modules ) I love is psychology of the individual. Because my lecturer is crazy! He's so crazy, the lesson stays embedded in my brain. Etched to my soul. He seems really feminine, but isn't gay. He varies his tone, sometimes reeeeeally high and he pouts to emphasize his point. I had his lecture today, and it was such an eye opener. We learnt about behavioral analysis and the causes - in simple words, based on what I've been taught, I cannot ask why the person is like that, but what made the person that way. I also learnt how to rectify problems and to speak to the unconscious mind on matters that keep you awake. I learnt the rational behind nightmares, and why we suddenly remember something we've nt done a week before. It was so entertaining, that for once our lesson ended on time, instead of early. I also learnt shocking stuff about best friends. And I'm still trying to proof my professor wrong. Cause he said that it was emotionally impossible to have a guy as a best friend, and that if he had a gf, insecurities would arise. And that it could only mean one thing, if the above mentioned IS true. The guy's probably gay :( noooo. This topic came out after we were discussing our previous lesson. Oedipus elektra. About bonds made between people. The suckee and the sucker, as mr Christopher said.
Okayokay. Enough shit about school. Half of you wouldn't even understand what I've been talking about for the last 5 minutes. I agree, this post's as about dry as toast :( I'm sleepy. And I just puked. G'night.

2011-02-24T23:56:00.004+08:00

School - I see this dude everyday at school, and he stares at me *shudders. Like really "I'mma-serial-killer-and-you-are-next" stare. Hereks the fun part, I see him BEFORE and AFTER school! -___-
If I don't return home, no one's touching my teddy.
Speaking of teddy. Teddy's smelly again!
Okay school, I finally met my 4 module teachers. My classmates still aren't that friendly (the cert graduates) and who cares!
I've got an official table at the canteen. Me and kim and erica would meet there before going to class, and jannah, amanda, and naomi and two more (forgive me I honestly cannot remember their names) would meet and talk abt class.
Kimberly and erica(real name encarnia) are the dip students.
The rest sadly are from cert, which means a different class :(
Miracle that they found me cause on first day of school I was really having a bad day and my fever was on. They decided that I could be added into their gang too.
Grateful!
Okay, droning on about school.
Sorrays.
Tmr, I promise I'll post again! I almost missed the joy of blogging. I spent my entire free hours reading previous posts I posted during school days.
I likey! I miss those funny moments :(

2011-02-24T23:56:00.001+08:00

when you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound.
When a window shatters, a table leg breaks, or when a picture falls off the wall it makes a noise.
But as for your heart, when that breaks it’s completely silent.
You would think as it’s so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world, or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell.
But it’s silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain.

If there is a noise, it’s internal.
It screams and no-one can hear it but you.
It screams so loud that your ears ring and you head aches.
It thrashes around in your chest like a great white shark caught in the sea; it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken.
That’s what it looks like and that’s what it sounds like; a thrashing, panicking great big beast, roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions.
But that’s the thing about love – no-one is untouchable.
It’s as wild s that, or as raw as an open flesh wound exposed to salty sea water, but when it actually breaks, it’s silent.
You’re just screaming on the inside and no-one can hear it.

2011-02-23T23:57:00.002+08:00

Dear blogger, I meant to update earlier but my busy schedule forbided me to even touch the lappy :(
As you might've heard, I've started school! Whoopeedoo.
I made two friends that were from my diploma class, and three from the cert class. Here's a breakdown :
Certificate in psychology - for those not eligible to take a diploma YET(eg. 16 years old, failed O's or N's) learns basic psychology and thereafter.
Dipoma in psychology - skips whole basic psychology, and is thrown into a class full of cert graduates. Meaning of this: cert people know what's happening. Cause they've got 6-8 months of studies instilled in them. Diploma student - nada. Nill. Zilch.
Talk about an unfair system. We dip students, ( mind you in my class of 22 students, 6 are dip students) have to figure out stuff ourself.
Bottom line- we've got a whole 6-8 mnths of studing to be done.
Achieving the impossible? I say yes.
Time management? - F A I L.
I've been SO tired from work after school, I don't have time to open my books. Sighs.
Moreover, I've been on study break for a year, talk about sudden changes.
I'm just so stressed out. I know, I should put work on hold, but, I really need the cash.
I didn't expect things to be that hard. I thought I had it aLl figured out.
Guess life sure knows how to throw a curve ball to knock you down when you think you've got it all covered. I just need someone to guide me.
I'm already actually starting to get really exhausted. Hauling ridiculously heavy notes.
Fml la.
I wanna study. I just wanna study.

2011-02-16T12:59:00.001+08:00

Bestie's day out.
But we aint talking much though.

2011-02-14T01:18:00.002+08:00

All I need, is someone to talk to. That's all.
And if I don't get that, god must probably hate my fucking being.

2011-01-29T14:49:00.003+08:00

Sore thumb joints. S O R E.
All cause of the dark chocolate. They don't let me soak it in the hot pot like we do in dhoby to make it effortless to squeeze them out.
They're practically like gum/paste textured thingys in those western shop chilli bottles.
And so much effort it put into squeezing it, your hand trembles, and your muscles grow.
Damn that bottle.
Contemplating quitting when school starts. Should I? =(
I definitely know i can find a better paying job, but I love what I do now, and I've learnt so much.
It'll be a tough decision I have to make. Sighs. Someone help me? I wouldn't have money if I quit too! But I'd have loadsa free time to study.
Dilemma.

2011-01-21T10:34:00.000+08:00

You hit me twice, but yeah, who's counting?

2011-01-19T02:03:00.002+08:00

wore my green old vans shoe to work today.

a size smaller it was, but i made it through closing shift alone with it.

my feet's the bomb.

i have a deep gut feelin, my converse's jealous.

2011-01-18T02:17:00.003+08:00

I've been shoe searching. Sole searching - pun intended.
HEH.
I saw two that I want from converse, and a few from Vans.
Though the ones i want are a few colors of the same cut =( i simply cannot decide!
so i guess i'd wanna get them all.
sighs.
At least when i browse over the shoe collection i'd have options to match with my clothes! though i think i should be more like a girl.
Get heels.
I DO have heels, but i just dont wear them that often.
i kinda got accustomed to the life of sneakers.
Of pretty sneakers.
They're easier to run and jump and be celia in.
I aint that girly girl people sometimes want me to be.
To sit properly and be all feminine and well kept.
=( i dont know if thats a good thing or not.
I mean, do you guys like me the way i am?
Or is it to late to enroll in cinderella 101?

2011-01-16T17:36:00.003+08:00

Every Door You Enter, I Will Let You In

Today, I felt so nauseous that i hadda split my lunch into three segments.
And i took over an hour to decide what to eat. =(
my tummy feels uneasy and my throats being a bitch.
And i'm finally blogging using the lappy after 6 months!
/hence the colours and pictures.
Soooo, school's startng for me in about a month. excitedtothemax.com
HEHE. like finally, i'm gonna smell books, be buried in books and be stressed for every project presentations!
my school's in queenstown, where the hell? idk.
/still mega excited though
okay, family status updates: my landlord's a bitch, she can get aids and die.
Vanessa's in sooo much trouble momma dosent wanna help her- hint: the polices are involved.

/haiz. sometimes i just wished my family would be normal.
on the happier note, work's keeping me extremely busy, i get home dead tired and my nightmares cant get through!
though i miss my workmates that hadda quit cause of school. =(
Cheng yi wei, the indian sisters that made me wanna kill myself sometimes, charlene. =(
i'm just stuck at kovan, all by self, singing the repeated songs on my poppy

2011-01-14T02:27:00.000+08:00

Ifeelsupersadtothemax.com
Iwishwecouldremainthewaywewere.com
Ifuckingmissyou.com

I do, and letting go's the only way.
Like deleting your browser's internet history after watching porn.
Like backspacing words you are so close to sending.
Like almost blurting out how you really feel.
Like walking past a waffle shop, but you're already late.
Like eating ice cream's that melted.
Like eating strawberries only to find out that you've ran out of whipped cream, AND chocolate sauce.
Like queuing up for egg-tarts only to find them sold out by our turn.

Like continuously stabbing a knife through your heart, telling yourself that it is perfectly under control and life's good and *inserts grossed out face* S M I L I N G.

No it fucking is not.
/i know my entry's getting a little out of point. But no one's forcing a gun to your head to read it.

So like i said, its not gonna be okay.
Not till YOU wanna be okay.
And that decision, has to come from your heart. Not your vagina, not your penis, nor your brain.
It has to come from the scars you inflict on yourself to the make believe fairy tales you layout before you.

Reality check please.

2011-01-13T01:02:00.002+08:00

dear blogger, the silence is killing me.

today, i worked for 14 hours.

they call me a robot, devoid of emotions.

hah, yeah right, my emotions rage worser than your mom.

so work's been hectic, i spend most of my day/time there.

it's like my second home.

that's bad, ain't it?

2011-01-10T23:39:00.003+08:00

Dear blogger, as you know, I'm broke.
Today was also one of the days I thought I'd really faint. From hunger that is. I didn't want brownies cause I was alreeady nauseous. I wanted to borrow money. Yes blogger, I was THAT desperate. It's not that I'm pathetically poor, my money's at home in my jar so avoid unnecessary expenditure. That's how I save blogger. I tried to turn to a friend to ask if he could help, loan me cash and then I could return. There aren't many people I trust blogger, and asking money's sorta like taboo. I tried to ask. I was NEARLY on that topic, blogger,when I said I wanted to faint. Instead of the usual "why!? Are you okay?" Response, I got one that was so fucked up. I got mad blogger. That was far from what I was expecting. And I haven't even asked for any favour yet. I was so sad blogger, I wanted to cry. Dramatic much. Anyways, I've decided, it's okay. I don't really need your help. Just know that whtever it is, you can always count on me. Despite all this fucked up shit. I made a promise that I'd be there, The least I can do is to stick to it. No grudges held. I'm finally home. And I can a good meal before hitting the sack. I'm on for the entire week. I've got to rest.

2011-01-09T00:43:00.004+08:00

Dear blogger, today I hadda report for work at dhoby at 11 to 3 to do hectic individual orders, and then closing shift at kovan. Talk about 53 pieces of brownies! This kid has a birthday and apparently decided to have each of her guests name on a brownie. Woah right, I knoww.
And so the ever predictable celia was late by a whooping half hour for a good reason! I was across the street, paying fees for my future school. I'm gonna be getting my diploma in october. The only bummer was handing the cash and realizing my school's in the campus = queenstown. *faints.
So right, back to the story, simply put; we finished the orders by 1230. And my shift was suppossed to end at 3. I had 3 hours to spare. -.-
Met ( I shall use abbrevations cause I call them by their full names) MJB, GKC and jake to chill at kovan.
MJB's present was with me anyways, and he promised to send celia to work again. So, GKC and I were going through my sweets from sticky. Didn't know she knew abt posh too! Story cut short, we fooled a lil and MJB sent me to work as promised, and I got punched at my poor tumtums manymany times! GRRR.my foetus might've died. Kay posts's getting long. And I'm high from the sugar rush. I'mma dance it off. Goodnight fucktards.

2011-01-07T15:29:00.000+08:00

Well, here we go again.
The same over and over and over again.
I'm tired of always finding for you.

2011-01-03T15:31:00.002+08:00

Resolution for new year? Naah. Didn't make any this year. I've been living life with rules for too long. 2011 is all about making changes for the better. No more procrastinating,start making money, starting school, getting my license, going on weird hour food hunts, going overseas with my friends! Paying for my own phone bills ( I bought my own bb myself!) and many more! It's time I let my past go. It's time I eradicate people that hurt me. It's time, I be Celia! =)

2011-01-01T15:44:00.002+08:00

Dear blogger,

I realized that I've not been blogging. Or if I have, it'd be of something irrelevant.
I'm sorry. It's just that I've been too lazy, and I've been mildly amused by my bb. I mean, come on. It's new! :(
I'll just summarize the important stuff that's been happening. Though they aren't all good, blogger. I'd give you the heads up first - it's about to get ugly. Ugly like a burnt tomato in the pan. Ugly like the maggots. Ugly like a pot of spoilt curry. Ugly like... Yeah you probably got it by now.

So, vanessa's already in singapore and she created shit loadsa problems for me and momma, and everyone. Doing what she does best. Spinning lies like we're fools. Yeah, so that's that. I ain't going to go deep into the story. She's in so much trouble, i really gave up. I'll admit, after all these years I've been keeping a lil flame of hope for her. She just blew it out herself. Sorry sista' I don't do redemptions.

And my school's starting in feb! Carmen just texted me, dropping the bomb on December. I was friggin worried cause I still hadnt save enough! Momma didnt have cash either so I did the unforgivable and borrowed from someone. Rest assured, I will pay you back. So now that that's settled, i'mma put my all at work, and get another job too. Since I aint working like mad these few months no more. Could use all that free time fo good use.

I'm going to enroll myself in classes, but I'm not going to disclose what. Hehe. My lips are s e a l e d.

Gonna give it a shot for driving too. But after all my financial woes that is.

I'm also living a carefree life now. Letting things happen the way they do. I think it'll benefit me in the long run.

Yay for the new year.

2010-12-31T02:06:00.002+08:00

yeah, i've severed all family ties with you.

time and time again you've disappointed the fuck out of me.

i'd lower my expectations of you, but they're already dead down low.

you've just fucked my 2011 before it even began.

2010-12-24T02:22:00.000+08:00

yes, and if you'll haven been noticing something.

change has been made.

my celiswelia header that blinks on and off has been changed

change is good.

2010-12-21T00:07:00.002+08:00

dear blogger, so as i am here, sitting alone at starbucks at this weird hour after work, i suddenly realise that im forever waiting for someone and when anyone waits for me, they give me that " you fucking made me wait" look and proceed to give that face but come on, good things comes to those who waits right? hahaha righhhttt. anyways, ive never had a friend who's been early to wait for me. cept for my trainees at work. and people waiting for their customized. i can bravely say i'm fairly early, if not first to arrive if late whenever ( or mostly ) when im meeting someone. so what i dont get is, am i not worth the wait? and yes, after sloly typing this out on my bb, i am still waiting it's gonna be 45 mins already sighs ttm. blasting poppy, surfing nick ( the name of my bb, yes, my bb's a guy) and sippin on caramel frapp.

2010-12-20T11:12:00.002+08:00

And i hope you fine me, wherever you are.

and i hope you find it, whatever you're looking for.

2010-12-19T23:43:00.002+08:00

my bb and my itouch are desperately vying for my attention they both race to sound notifications, and they both try to last longer with the last bar of battery left

i'm sorry poppy (itouch) and nick (bb) for being like a two timer i just like a change, for once. part of my revamp-a-celia thingy i launched. poppy's not getting much attention cause the songa are a hundred left. the other 700 flew away. maybe thats why i aint meddling with it so much, playing my games on the go, shuffling songs and shit. but worry nots! give me ample of time and i'mma get em songs back. just listed shitloada artistes i could remember. and with my new downloading site, i'mma get poppy back up on its feet with love! oh yes i am .

2010-12-13T05:21:00.002+08:00

i'm not a breakfast person, but i ate it today.

i"d prefer soups over rice anytime.

i'd want water over gassy drinks cause i dont really fancy gassy drinks

im starting to like tomyam, those without a strong lenongrass taste

my dislike for mint's still evident though

my sweet tooth's failing on me cause its been ages and i doubt i can finish an entire swab of cotton candy.

and, ive still not got my fix of waffle treatment.

celia say a waffle shop in farrer park mall, i forgot the name. city sth.

the waffleshop's called waffle house or something.

and.i.am.going.to.eat.my.waffles.by.hook.or.by.crook

2010-12-12T02:00:00.002+08:00

~~Is it safe to say this?~~
Yeah, i dont give a eff anyways.
I'm officially the next tech geek. though i know nuts about these codes and stuff.
/blogger's an exception. i had been tweaking the codes since P4. if you see it my way, that's "experience"
practically, i just went through hell and back.
Well, technically on my point of view, music-less life and my hard earned games gone is hell .

story goes:
Itchy hand celia just wanted to jailbreak her poppy cause she was bored, and the person she's gonna sell it to wanted it jailbroken, to save himself from the technical terms.
So i jailbroke it, yeah! i know right.
Like i went online to find out stuff, read a bit, skipped a WHOLE loada important chunk cause i just didnt have a good day and reading minuscule font annoyed me.
SOOO, i played around with it a lil and unfortunately totally forgot about the "don't exit when it's downloading or loading something" part.
Practically jammed the entire poppy. and to make things worse, i kept pressing the home button. like 54973867504 times.
and repeated failures to make it work fucked my day even more.
OH joy eh~

And soooooooo, i managed to restart my poppy after one and a half hours cracking me head.
The good news is, it's alive.
The bad news is, i've got to wait for tmr to see if hopefully, HOPEFULLY i can restore my backup from the other lappy.
Cause i backed up the pod, like for 20 mins and when irestored it, nth came out. like whattheff right? itunes just fucking cheated me. and my time. and my feelings. and my.. well you get the picture.
Cause fucking smart celia went to upgrade it to a newer version on the ipod thingy.
EVERYTHINGS GONE
Thats hell.
It sucks and hurts even more than to be forgotten by someone close to you.
yeah, o u c h.
my poor poppy. been there for me like, during all the times i needed someone.
my games, i dont care, my pictures? i can always take more.
But my FUCKING SONGS?
this's probably the 2nd time it happened to me.
the first time i lost over a thousand songs and almost a thousand pictures cause my desktop crashed on me. limewire was still use-able un-sued then.
Now, if i were to lose my 800+ songs i've painfully downloaded with my oh-so-efficient memory, i'd lose it.
Like seriously lose it.
Like chant at the corner of my room lose it.
limewire's not working anymore.
Where.the.fuck.if.touch.wood.the.songs.dont.get.back.am.i.going.to.download.them.from?

Fuck laaaaaaaaa.

2010-12-10T10:28:00.001+08:00

I've sold my soul to the waffle king.
One month of abstinence.
That's like, eternity and going hell.

2010-12-09T23:40:00.000+08:00

I'm so mad, I could really slash someone.
Since slashing's the in thing.

2010-12-04T17:20:00.002+08:00

Some people, are just plain selfish. Either that or they'd have problems sharing.
Look, if you don't wanna share, say no when people ask.
Stop being a douch bag and talking behind their backs saying that they're always using things that do not belong to them and fuck.
I think the rules are simple. Don't like, don't share. Least not unless I've got a gun.

2010-12-01T11:46:00.002+08:00

Parading my Christmas work headband.
Apparently it's a hairband, with reindeer horns and a santa's hat in the middle
Guys. They actually thought it was cute. -.-

2010-11-29T08:57:00.002+08:00

Going to the beach.
Going to the beach.

Omg i'm like excited cause I lovvveeeee the beach Ike prostitutes love money.
The salty air, the sound of the crashing waves.
The serenity at night.

I'm gonna cycle cause this little girl of mine wants to cycle.
Nah scratch that. I'm gonna roller blade.
And try taking artsy fartsy photos if I can.
Heehee. Love!
Blog when I blog. See ya! <3

2010-11-28T18:21:00.001+08:00

My nerdy Celia self wanted to jail break my poppy.
Yes I'm geeky nuff to figure stuff out like that.
But cause my momma's lappy too slow to download my restore thingy I gave up hope.

Hah.

2010-11-26T04:04:00.002+08:00

Today, I got lectured as Josh thinks I'm being too friendly to the newbies. " they'll climb over you if you don't set the bar right " he said.
But, how can I not joke, and be sone bossy person? That ain't Celia. She laughs. She helps.
She can't be straight faced while telling them to salvage their customized brownies on their own. Or helping them with the pos system.
Wasn't that what I learn on a daily basis? To help others when in need and be cheerful?
On a new topic. I'm so fly, I caused a blackout with my index. Yeah, zap me bitches.
Excuse me, while I run after my nose.

2010-11-21T18:23:00.002+08:00

Celia: *while deciding where to hang her Christmas stocking and long wishlist at work*
Josh: Celia, we lock the doors and we're closed on Christmas. Santa can't come in.
Celia: if his reindeers can fly, he can find a way to come in. Maybe the from the oven! :)
Josh: ITS NOT A FIREPLACE.
Celia: it's still hot.
While workplace erupts in laughter.

2010-11-20T00:18:00.002+08:00

Awesomee dayyyy.
Went to the bank to make a new multitude card for hidayah.
Ate ayam penyet and watched due date in gv. The bee freaking energy saving ugly gv.
Bought stuff for Josh and Paul cause it's what they're looking for, for kinda long.
Tomorrow gonna meet Jana before work to give him stuff, and prolly have lunch too.
Then off to kovan! Working with the two new quiet girls. Oh wells~ will survive.
Gonna get a sock for Christmas and hang it at work.
Did I mention that I can't wait for my pay?! Gonna get a new line. I know it's annoying, with the many numbers and stuff. But prepaid really sucks balls. Pay! Payday! Aaand, I'm broke. $19.58 left in my ATM. How to survive till next month.
Soo not touching my savings :'(

2010-11-18T02:47:00.003+08:00

This post's for nickky
Thank you, for pointing out the obvious.
Its gonna be okay. I'll always be okay.
Somehow. One way or another.
And hopefully this Saturday, it'll be fo' real.
And maybe I'll remember your Buffy CDs.
There, this ones full'a love.
<3
=)

Heh~

2010-11-14T14:51:00.002+08:00

Come on lia.
Be that rainbow once again.
You look up to life smiling.

Dear vanning,
If you really care about your child, please tell momma what's happening. We're in no position to explain cause you're the victim here. At least if he comes here I'll be able to take care if him. Everybody'll be able to take care if him

This sucks. Imma leave for a while.
Bye.

2010-11-12T10:26:00.009+08:00

Pictures, as promised.
Most of you wonder what i do at work, other than the occasional stoning, and eating of samples.
I'ma share them with you, the good, the bad and the not-so-pretty.
=)
And my trainees works too.

done at dhoby tooo!

Yes my weird LG is capable of pictures like this, hah!

sweet! done at dhoby too, she loved it so much, before i was done, she already took pictures of it. and me, designing it. =/ paparazzi much.

again, with the indian henna curly thingy.

SOTA girls, pfftt. i have no idea what this's supposed to mean. But yeah, i drew it. and.the.fish.

Laziest design everrrrrrrrr.

best design everrrrrrrr, sugui's a girl. the customer was soo nice to me. click to enlarge, see the border, pretty aint it? border's are done with dark choc. we only got 3 kinds. dark choc ( the border of this brownie) White choc ( the "sugui" ) and milk choc ( the base)

KITCHEN! though we changed everything already, will take a new update picture. see the three bottles lying down? one's peanut butter, the other two's dark choc. they can be pretty hard to squeeze out at times * flexes non-existant biceps*

handwriting practice,then you freze the mfcking chocoalte and eat it .

the green border's mint. *inserts bleah face* handwriting fail cause i just got to work and was tired=(

10 pieces single brownies, " hapi bdae jg"

My double heart for a butch, she said designs up to me aggresively. i freaked.

yeah, she bought two, this's the 7inch heart. plain and simple.

it's raining browniesss!

/if you order a box of 5 brownies, you get this super cool posh looking bag (no pun intended, heh)
this person bought 4 and a customised. i only took a picture of the middle three, hheheeh. from left to right - triple chocolate (one of our best sellers, her customised brownie, white choc)

So cute right the customised? i was awe-ing it till she came =(

Just did this yesterday at dhoby. and obviously as EVERYONE can see, i always have problems with my spacings. im only human after all.

p/s: the flower - FAIL! hahaah last min draw cause i didnt want to leave it plain like that.

On-Training.

Done by dheveya, a newbie who just completed trainig, but im kicking her back into training. or at least till she shows me she can do everything. i made her do this three piece. not too bad, just for the uneven fonts and look-like-incomplete-design. sorry if it's upsidedown. celia lazyyyyy. =P

freaking 16 piece, plain cause it was for 4 people. grandma, sister-in-law, daughter and husband.
like, cant they just order seperate cakes? and cause it was deepavali, hence the design. LOL

On-Training

again, done by one of the indians, shoba. not too bad, though the handwriting again. hahahaha. i had fun laughing my ass off cause we were trying to draw the key, and she was freaking out too. this's together with awful key below.

/Fail! i didnt draw the key, my boss drew it. Trustthe girl to draw a weird looking key and telling me to make it look pretty. HELO?~ i'll only follow your drawing designs. i knowwww. the cursive fugly right? and not straight somemore. LOL~ why dont you try squeezing chocolate outta plastics, in fear they'll burst anytime.

On my alone-almost-died shift at dhoby. cho chweeet. customer had no preference, and i thought my design looked a lil, lady gaga-ish. hahahaha. bold on one side, soft on the other. you can click to enlargen, if you want. i painstakingly kiap-ed every little heart okay!

On-Training.

/made my newbies try first hand on customisation with old brownies. i wanted a cake for myself, and the request was colourful. not so bad for their first time. this one's done by qayyum.

On-Training.

Done by my very dominating trainee who i almost stabbed, pushed and shoved. i shouted at her infront of a customer too. same theme. but i told her that it wasnt colourful, i requested colourful. and im an almost adult, the ducks are for kids laaa. done by clarissa.

COLOURBALLS! i wont upload this design cause its suuuper uglyy.

/made this on a single piece for momma cause she questioned my design skills, afterall, i am a brownie artist/stylist. right, i know it said ma(square) no space okay!

/designed this for a butch at dhoby. we had green chocolate for that day cause eskimo, some bubbletea shop beside us were opening a new branch and we made a 12 pc brownie cake for them. the chocolate's just white chocolate laa, but with colouring. SHE-HULK-ISH!

/one of my lazy designs at dhoby cause the girl that ordered this sorta gave me shitty attitude, stupid indian. She requested more pink. throw money and stare at me somemore. what did celia do to you? =(

/The freaking 12 pc brownie cake. *died while doing the design*

/here's a full view. i had alot of space at the side and the person requested simple design. =( i couldnt throw in my happy stars and shit, so i attempted a drawing. heh.

now that you've got an overload of pictues, i shall end =)

2010-11-12T00:55:00.000+08:00

You could curl up next to me and I could wrap my arms around you. And we could hide under a big blanket.
Yes, that'll be all.
OR! you could just hug me :(

2010-11-11T21:12:00.000+08:00

='( bye.

2010-11-10T01:22:00.003+08:00

Technically, it's my off day. And I have no idea what to do with it, cause all my off days are usually spent lazing in my best friends house, or watching a movie with him. But things aren't the same now. There's not enough space for two people. And someone has to go. His happiness's due. So I can't whine. It's okay. I'll live. But I just hope he'd say he'd be there for me and be there to protect me from whatever like last time. I just wish he'd send me good morning texts and ask how's my day. Check up on me. Tell me to take care when night falls and I'm still stuck at work. I wish he'd be back to the old him when I told him secrets I've never told anyone before, and when he said he'll be there forever. He'll protect me. And hush me to sleep when i wake up crying, or when the lightning or thunders strike cause I'm deadly afraid of them. I wish he'd be there. So I know I can count on him, just like he knows he can count on me. I want him to cheer me up when I've bad days, like how I try hard enough to cheer him up. Stead of him asking me to suck it up. Cause sometimes, sometimes.. I just Need the affection. And instead now I just stay awake after every nightmare cause I want to be the strong one. I take double shifts cause I don't want to complain about my aches. And I just smile, cause I've got alot of things to complain about.
Yes, I'm that not so perfect best friend who has issues.
I'm that girl who sometimes speaks before thinking
I'm that girl who carries feminism and grace like a hunters dead catch.
I'm that girl who has alot to complain about
yes I'm that girl that'll enjoy simple pleasures.
I'm that girl who sometimes comes off as mean.
And I'm that girl that's just lost. Torn between two sides, she overthinks.

2010-11-09T01:17:00.002+08:00

She said: If if hurts, don't do it. What you don't know won't kill you.
She said: Cause I never learn.

Oh oh, I think I'm gonna open an acc in xanga. More updates soon.

P/s: I don't really lose my temper. But if you piss me off.. That's a differerbt story. I shouted at someone today infront of customers. What's happening to me? I'm cheerful. I'm happy. Yes I am
/ the lies I tell nyself to sleep. Sigh.

2010-11-08T00:02:00.002+08:00

Celia didn't go anywhere for deepavali this year. I took the closing shift, cause I knew I'd have no where to visit this year. But at least if someone were to ask, I could refuse. Though I'm refusing, AT LEAST SOMEONE DID ASK. My indian friends, I feel unloved.
Okay enough emo-ing. I didn't give a fuck actually
tomorrow working alone at dhoby. Haiz. I'm gonna infect all the god damned brownies with my fever. I'm sorry, customers-to-be.
I'm sorry.

2010-11-03T08:55:00.004+08:00

Had another nightmare today. I couldn't do much cause I couldn't call anyone considering the weird hours. I just lay there, and cried. Now I'm going to go to work with puffy eyes. Greeeat. And I said, " god loves Lia. And it happened for a reason" funny how it suddenly changed my perspective of everything. I'm still new to this, praying and stuff. And trusting people, trying to smile fo real, though I've mastered the art of false laughter and wide smiles, no one really is able to tell them apart. I just get home and sorta wash the smile right off. Cause I don't wanna be percieved as weak, or whatever. I just wanna be Celia. That's all. I just want to fall alseep at night, knowing that when morning comes, it'll be a new day and it's another day that I've lived my life since. But why's it so hard?

2010-11-02T00:01:00.003+08:00

I don't know what to ask, to get the right answers
I don't know the tone, cause my minds whirling
I don't know what I feel, cause I keep denying.
But someparts, I'd scream it's not fair.
Cause I was and will be, always the hidden friend
the one no one knows about, secretly motivating
secretly bearing the brunt of your anger, while the rest gets a dose of your happy side
cause when my bad days come, I've myself to change.
But anyone else, you'd be the sunshine to light their oh so dark world
so tell me, how am I suppose to feel?

2010-10-31T19:00:00.002+08:00

Happy Halloween!
Hidayah just came to visit poor Celia at home!
Friends. They never fail to make you laugh
Anyway. Harry potters showing -.-"
Hehe.
Works awesome only when I'm in kovan.
Dhoby gives me back aches! =(
what's worst, I'm doing opening on Monday, and I have no key
you know what that means, I've to wait for the delivery uncle to open the stall for me, and rush opening
oh gee. What funnnn.

2010-10-25T00:34:00.001+08:00

Star gazing. Lol jk.
All i see is a lonely star
='(

2010-10-22T14:01:00.001+08:00

Dancing naked in my room because I can!

2010-10-22T11:22:00.002+08:00

I'm all about empty promises and fake delusional smiles.
Come on someone, make my day please?
I ain't gonna keep making peoples day no more. ='(