Saturday, October 29, 2011.
> 1:43:00 AM.
I dont like him, so why do i care?
Moving on. Bitch please.
I make changes to my body for every great step/loss in my life
Lets see...
Secondary 4 - tongue piercing to "reward" myself for passing my N's
Secondary 5 - Got braids to "reward" myself for passing my O's
2009 - Braids off, dramatic short bob, then extensions, all within a period of 5 months to move on from a loss.
2010 - Bangs because i deserved better
2010 - Hair colour experiments and settling for the textbook definition of a red head
2011 - The piercing of the tongue yet again for losing nick, "moving on to a brand new start mentality"
2011 - Braids back again ( yet-to-be-done) this has no significant meaning
And oh, painting nails help me destress.
it's my way of therapy because my mind is so intense and magnified into creating the best brush stroke or pattern, i have little space to stray off.
Though i may paint it the same colour yet again, the thought of painting my nails usually calms me down already.
like when i feel like curling up in a ball and crying because i often get this pangs, like hunger pangs but they be my lonely pangs.
I aint in sembawang no more where i can leave the house at 2am in the morning and still be safe
I aint in sembawang no more where i used to sit on the stairs just to watch life by.
I aint in sembawang no more where my house had this cold, yet warm feeling.
I aint in sembawang no more where i could disappear for hours on end with just my rollerblades, feeling freedom withing my hair.
I have moved on to help people, i have moved on to help my mom.
But what happens when all this constant changes make me dread change?
Because things are never what it seem and i know one day i'd probably not be the way i am now.
I hate change because of the way it makes me feel.
I hate change when i get used to something that it becomes part of my everyday life,
I hate change when i know when i wake up there'll be no facebook notification from nickly saying goodmorning to his baby and that he's reached work safely cause he knows i dread for him to ride his scrambler.
I hate change when one day i wake up and realise he will never text/call/facebook me anymore, or hear his voice when he calls me to say he misses me.
I hate change when i meet someone im not remotely interested in, but had his help in getting over nick.
I hate change when he gets serious dating someone and dosent text me to ask what the kukushit i'm doing. and makes me laugh.
I hate change because i tend to get selfish sometimes.
I hate change because it always leaves me feeling this black emptiness i cannot describe, makes me breathless.
I hate change and i hope people would understand that.
Everyone is wired differently, what's your excuse?
