Wednesday, March 16, 2011.
> 12:06:00 AM.
I depend on music like addicts on heroine.
Here's a colourfulpost you wished you've chancced upon sooner.
HELLO~
I've been sooo dependant on my music to take elements i do not favour into happy thoughts lately. A bit TOO dependant.
i can recite my 400+ (still haven regain my 800+ songs back. lifesucks.com) backwards if you want me to.
Impossible you say?
Consider this, i play it mostly at work, that's 6-11 hours of music, depending on the shift.
I play it when i go poopoo or shower, cause when no one's home i sing in the shower.
I play it when i travel, especially when travelling far.
To school, and back.
I just want more songs, but sadly i do not have the time to go download them.
-Sighs- I just need my therapy, my escape when i dont like what's happening.
i learnt how to make my day happier, becuase i cannot afford anymore "black" feelings i get.
the nightmares constitutes a great part of my life now because one of my modules touch greatly on that.
The subject's the ONLY modue i love - oh the irony..
i get uncomfortable at the mention of certain topics and studying certain areas make me shifty.
you get what i mean now?
I HAVE to get over this.. this thing i've been living with, if i wanna help people.
in order to treat others, i have to be able to treat MYself first
I am making progress, if credits are due.
I am able to calm my subconscious so that it will stop keeping me awake.
I've learnt to change the question marks my subconscious throw at me into exclaimation marks.
I've learnt how to make a bad day go right the moment i wake up.
But what good are these skills, if i dont want to grasp the faults i numb myself from, building an "abscess" around it. Just waiting for something/someone to scrape and clean it off for me.
I've become so paranoid and void of emotions of my own problems, i dont know if i still can feel.
my mind has wiped the memories, but they still linger.
waiting for me to acknowledge the fact.
But i will never. stubborncelia.com
I will not risk travelling back into my childhood, into my memories to retrieve what was left of me, because i fear what every psychologist fear.
Going back in to realize, but getting so traumatised, you cannot come back out to the present.
and if that happens, i might surely just lose it.
